Day 14 – The Grand Canyon, Arizona to Las Vegas, Nevada – Hit me, You’re on 17 sir, I like to live… dangerously

With the boys on a mission, ABN and Andy got us on the road at 4.30am headed for Las Vegas via the Hoover Dam with the rest of the boys strapped into the back bed like Max Mosley at a dinner party.

Driving through the sunrise over the Kaibab National park, we arrived at the Hoover Dam early and managed to forgo a cavity search – much to Nic’s disappointment, however we did manage a photo – and had a quick poke around and unfortunately Andy came away empty handed in the touristy sh*t department.

Pulling into our suites at The Mirage early doors we decided to absorb a little American culture by heading to a firing range.

Redneck fun out of the way it was back to the suite for pre-drinks in our robes and a briefing on how to play blackjack, ergo blind leading the blind. 3/4s of a bottle of Jager later we were ready to attack the tables.

Chiselling away at the blackjack tables with mixed fortunes, Dean provided the entertainment for the evening swirling around the roulette, poker and blackjack tables aggressively losing money and chewing anyone’s ear that happened to be in the vicinity.

With Dean joining the now fully loaded Blackjack table with Andy & ABN bantering with the dealer and the rest of the table, it was time for Dean to get involved and show his gambling prowess, schooled at the Austin Powers Blackjack Academy.  Being dealt 17 to the dealers 15, Dean asked for another card, much to the amusement of the table and our lady dealer, she asked, “Are you sure you want to do that?”, with $50 on the line and not a moment’s hesitation, he responded in the affirmative followed by a chorus of chuckles and gasps. BUST! Dealt a king before the dealer also busts, the table and the crowd we had attracted went absolutely bananas to one of the funniest scenes to be played out in the history of that table.

Leaving shortly after Dean’s heroics, we made our way to a few bars and clubs minus Dean who was chasing a bottle of Makers Mark. A few BLT burgers later, we returned to the now sparsely populated casino floor to find a dishevelled Dean sprawled over a poker table with a 5 finger pour of Makers Mark and down an indeterminate amount of money.

Day 13 The Grand Canyon, Arizona

We started the day off on a mission, Andy, Dean and ABN were booked on a helicopter tour of the canyon while Nic and Josh boned up on the history of habitation of the canyon.

After some pretty hairy winds in the helicopter both inside and out the boys landed and Josh and Dean ambitiously set out to hike “The Bright Angel Trial” which is a 20 KM round trip hike covering an elevation of 1000 metres in 6 hours after 2 weeks of boozing…

The boys got down in good time and good form bar Josh’s knee and were astounded by the continual change of the canyon as they continued to decend. With strict time markers to hit the boys set off to get back up the canyon in the same amount of time they had to get down. Three quarters of the way up Joshy was in a world of hurt while dean took photos of his slow demise.

Eventually making it home in their targeted time, the boys chilled out in the RV while Josh rode out his waves of sickness in bed, mentally preparing himself for Las Vegas.

Day 12 The Grand Canyon, Arizona

After a chilly night in our gaseous tin-can, we made our way to the South rim to smash out 22 miles on our gnarly bikes along the edge of the rim with some damn steep hills.

A few fruity photos later we were back at the RV park for stretching eachother out and cocktails.

Day 11 – Santa Fe, New Mexico, to The Grand Canyon, Arizona – Another hole

Leaving the sleepy town of Santa Fe, New Mexico, we set out for The Grand Canyon, Arizona via The Navajo Nation which is a large Native American reserve home to several tribes.

Driving through the Navajo reserve was tough on our RV with the roads in disrepair, so we vibrated ourselves through the picturesque countryside headed for an old Native American village called Welpi which is home to the Hopi tribe who inhabit 3 plateaus or Mesa’s. On entering the village limits (extremely small town in the middle of nowhere) we were quickly spotted and followed by the locals. Deciding that it would be unwise to head up the steep road created on a ledge of the plateau, we stopped half way up and were greeted by some of the locals that followed us. With the tribes main source of income being the traditional arts and crafts they create and sell on we given the hard sell by the locals before we even reached the town, so we struck a deal for a team mascot and a lift into town on the back of one the locals ute at break-neck speed.

Unfortunately we were unable to take photos of the Hopi or their land.

Not knowing what to expect, we entered the village to be greeted by people living a very humble existence (apart from the new mustang parked out the front). Spilling into the tiny town we were greeted by more locals and briefed on their way of life and given the hard sell on their hand crafted art. Needing no encouragement to purchase tourist memorabilia at twice the asking price, Andy quickly cleaned out the locals and garnered an unhealthy appreciation of his girly legs from one particular geriatric member of the Hopi.

One leg slap too many and we were back on the winding roads passing through spectacular countryside broken up by fault lines and huge rock formations, little did we know this would pale in comparison to Arizona’s Grand Canyon and its surrounds.

Hitting the Grand Canyon and Kaibab National Park at sunset we were blow away by what we saw.

Day 10 – Taos to Santa Fe – White water bathing

With 4 hours of sleep under our belts we finally managed to get to our launch point for our days rafting trip. Decked out in walmart’s finest we hit the snow fed waters of the Colorado with our gnarly guide, navigating through its rapids we got through relatively unscathed minus a mishap with Josh being barrelled out of the raft at our first rapid and ABN getting his just desserts after mucking around in his budgie smugglers much to the disapproval of the team.

We’re too cheap to buy the photos, you can see us in our water wings here: http://www.southernexposurephoto.com/mp_client/pictures.asp?action=viewphotos&size=thumbnails&thumbpagenum=1&eventid=264360&eventstatus=0&categories=no&keywords2=no&groupid=0&bw=false&sep=false&ckw=false

Well fed and well burnt the team made their way to Santa Fe, one of the frontiers of the Spanish Empire’s reach into North America.

Reaching our RV park the boys greased themselves up for a large Saturday night in Santa Fe only to find that Santa Fe was home to the pottery and crocheting crowd…yay.

Day 9 Austin to Taos, New Mexico – The Drive

Austin, Texas to Taos, New Mexico

One of the more taxing days of the journey, we had to travel almost the entire length of Texas, 1 Time zone, 1250 Km’s (just shy of 19 hours) to get to Taos which is home to The Rio Grande which house a set of gorges where the Colorado river passes through and creates a series of white water rapids.

Leaving at 07:45 we made our way to our first stop, Lubbock, 8 hours north-west. Our initial plans were to stay over-night if we didn’t feel like punching out the next leg to Taos, these plans were quickly scuppered when we saw Lubbock. Dashing into walmart quickly for booze and the cheapest rafting outfits we could find, we hit the road for the desert plains of Texas where the team encountered our first RV issues since Miami Airport ran into us. Driving along the plains of Texas we encountered high winds cutting across our 13’5” high RV which began to smash our slide-out’s boom against the RV and tore its cover. Three emergency stops in the desert and half an hour later Nic and ABN managed to fix the booms and we continued into the sunset, headed for the Texas/New Mexico border.

Man tasks

The desert sunset quickly made way for Texas Chainsaw Massacre territory and headlights while Dean serenaded us through the majesty of a stuttering harmonica.

One way ticket...

Our 22:30 initial arrival time elapsing and blowing out to 00:30 we drove through the pitch black countryside of New Mexico at snails pace with high winds and lunatic truckers dominating the road. Our arrival time again blowing out to 02:00 we tried to make our way to our launch point for the days white water rafting excursion at the bottom of a rocky valley in the middle of nowhere, not an excellent idea.

Finally admitting defeat, we managed to find a casino which also doubled as a heavily patronised truck stop.

At 03:00 we were finally able to put the jacks down, level out the cab, extend the slide-outs and we slept to the gentle hum of big rigs and truckers making love to each other.

Day 8 Austin – A Special haircut goes too far

Waking late to the smell of 5 men and late night Mexican in a our tightly sealed tin can, we promptly aired out the cabin, threw out contaminated items/persons and hit the road for our new RV site under the landing path of Austin Airport, ah, the serenity.

Heading into city we had our first and most amazing Texan BBQ and corresponding coronary.

Good with his lips...

Splitting up, Andy and Josh headed for some much needed tourist shopping to get Andy’s fix of naff tourist crap. While Andy bartered shop-keepers prices upwards for authentic Texan icons (made in China) the B team unwisely chose to walk 3 miles to Mini 9-Hole Golf in the pouring rain. Arriving to golf in no mood to do anything, we decided to peruse the adjacent music store where we found a torture method to rival any White House Sanctioned torture manual, Dean… and a Harmonica, combine these 2 with an RV and 3000 odd Km’s to travel in a confined space…and a lot of desert in which to bury a body along on route.

Back to the most mundane RV site yet, several beers down and 5 bored mid-twenties males, we decided it would be a good idea for Nic to blend in with the local population before we head to the Mid-west. Armed with a pair of scissors and Dean’s “personal” shaver, ABN chiselled Nic AKA “Cooter”, a slightly off centre mullet and began to think that maybe he should have stayed for the full half-day hairdressers course (video to follow).

Stevie Wonder and his client

Cooter profile view

Out in Downtown, we made the most of Austin’s student bars with $12 buckets of Corona and mingled with the local retards, one of which tried to test how hard he was by trying and failing to put one of the boys in a choke hold, as the kids say, epic fail.

Day 7 New Orleans to Austin, Texas – Brokeback Mountainbike

Leaving our compound we strapped ourselves in for an 8 and a half hour drive west to Austin, Texas, armed with ‘The Best of Natalie Imbruglia’ and a camera which came across this little beauty.

Dean approved billboard

After driving through some amazing Louisiana countryside we were amazed to see how much of the land is swamp and saw the results of the flooding from the Mississippi and realised exactly how helpless New Orleans and Baton Rouge (north of NO) would be should the authorities not have opened the flood gates into the smaller towns.

...

Adding Andy to the drivers roster we pulled into our inner city RV park and were immediately struck by the distinct alternative influence that the city had, to quote an Stanley Kubrick film “…holy dogshit, Texas! Only steers and queers come from Texas!..”.

We broke out the weights (as we get very little time to sculpt our guns outside the office) then again embarked on teaching Dean what the Big and Little blind in Texas hold ‘em represent, for the 3^rd night in a row.

Some bullish play later we headed walked into town but not before being greeted by ‘The Rainbow Peloton’, basically a 50+ strong group of Gay & Lesbian cycling enthusiasts kitted out in some unspeakable “Scissor Sisters” inspired outfits making Elton John look Amish.

After making our way through the sea of piercings and fluorescent lycra outlined ballbags we made it into 6th street. Sampling shots at various dive bars we finally settled at a grimy blues bar which had the perfect mix of strange blokes Dean could talk to and flaming shots (video to follow)!

Flaming doctor peppers/eyebrows

Day 6 New Orleans – Bogan 7th Heaven

Rising early to the Louisiana sun , two things became very apparent; the best thing for a hangover is drinking heavily the night before and you will not find being able to take a crap and cook your scramble eggs at the same time as a positive in the RV’ers handbook (to clarify, this is not a school boy euphemism).

Im commandeering this boat...

Many Nurofen and 5 big breakfasts later in the French Quarter the boys split up with Josh and Dean opting a goodies-esque bike ride through the city while the rest embraced their inner redneck on a Fanboating swamp trip with some very humorous mullet aficionados (nic had an unhealthy interest in their mullets which may or may not manifest itself in some way on this trip) and a man who may well be Denmark’s answer to Josef Fritzel.

Post bogan/bicyclefest we all re-grouped for some much needed team spooning before Cajun steaks and a tight brass band.

Team Spooning...Get it?

Day 5 Pensacola to New Orleans – Boy, that escalated quickly…

Hitting the road early to maximise our time in ‘The Big Easy’, Dean eased us out of Florida, through Alabama and Mississippi to New Orleans, Louisiana.

Pensacola to New Orleans

Have you seen the never ending story?

Entering our inner-city RV park – French Quarter RV Resort –  we quickly realised that the fort-like appearance was not for our privacy but for our safety. With this in mind it was tops off and straight to the spa for bubbles and early afternoon bevvies.

Just hanging out

hrmmmm

Somewhere between petting our neighbours dogs and talking about the pros and cons of Diesel vs regular we found ourselves magically transported (there is no group recollection of where those hours went, we have but a few photos) to the chaos that is Bourbon street. We initially stumbled upon a Funk/Soul covers band who were tearing it up with classics such as “Sweet Caroline”, “Lets Groove” and “You can call me Al”, however the phat-ness of the band was somewhat marred by an inappropriately dressed monstrosity that badgered the entire bar with shots followed by aggressive motorboating (see www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=motorboating).

Deciding we had had enough of our damaged wench’s antics and her freakish vice-like grip we left for our 2^nd and final bar of the evening where the carnage jumped up a notch or two and most detail escapes us and looking at the photos this may have been a good thing, the only lesson learnt from the evening is riding mechanical bulls while drunk is not a good idea, its an excellent idea!

The Reprobates

Grizzle grizzle

Dean’s bull riding adventure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gN_Ea1hEJY

Would you trust this man with your new wife?